Can the apple fall far from the tree?

It’s a weekly ritual that mom wouldn’t give up for all the chocolate fudge walnut brownies in the world. She looks forward to it with eager anticipation, even though it leaves her feeling sullen and a little irritable at the end.

There’s no telling when the mood might strike her – she could be doing the dishes in the kitchen…driving around town…grocery shopping with the kids…sick with the flu…if possible, she would do it whenever she could, maybe even everyday.

But with different time zones, not to mention a hefty telephone bill, mom has to control her urges and limit her calls to grandma to once a week.

Mom: “Ma, why don’t you just use MSN Messenger? I downloaded it for you on my last visit.”
Grandma: “How do you turn the computer on? What if I press the wrong button and break the machine?”

Mom sighs and changes the topic to common ground like the weather, kids, dads, family friends and extended families. Grandma fills her in on who visited, who called, who passed on, who’s expecting, who got married (“Inter caste only, but what a catch! Bada businessman. You should have seen - the bride was covered in gold and diamonds from head to toe.”)

The conversation then progresses to tense territory. The F word, “food”, is introduced.

Grandma: “What time is it over there? Have you had dinner, yet? What have you made?”

Mom: “There’s some left-over pasta in the fridge.”

Grandma: “Pasta? Aiyyo, junk! Why don’t you feed the children a nice balanced meal of paruppu with green vegetables? What’s there in pasta? You should see my neighbor’s grandson. He’s as old as Kuki, but, appa, soooo roly-poly and chubby. I tell you, these north Indians, they know what to feed their kids. That’s why they never fall sick; not even when they eat ice cream in winter. Now, are you still dieting or have you come to your senses?”

Mom: “Ma, I never diet.”

Grandma: “You need to eat healthy food. You look so sickly and pale. Look at your friends. They’re slim, but they have a healthy glow. They’re not anemic and wasted away, like you.”

The conversation continues while the telephone meter goes ka-ching, ka-ching.

Grandma: “You know, you’re getting old now. You have to start looking after yourself. If you can’t look after yourself, how will you look after your children? It’s winter there, so you have to be extra careful that you don’t get any infections. Make sure the kids are warmly dressed. Did they get their flu shots? Did you ask the doctor about the rash on Kuki’s back?”

Mom: “It’s just a little eczema, that’s all.”

Grandma: “Don’t say that! Especially when you come to India, don’t go around telling people that she has eczema. Use some common sense.”

Mom: “But, why? Eczema isn’t contagious. It’s just…”

Grandma: “Enough! Show some maturity. You should know when to open your mouth and when to keep it shut.”

Mom: “OK, I think Kuki’s getting hungry. I have to go.”

Grandma: “Alright, quickly then, your cousin’s flying back to Texas soon. Do you need anything from here? Now, don’t say ‘No’. Every time I ask if you want something, you say ‘No’.”

Mom: “I really don’t need anything.”

Grandma: “What would the kids like for Christmas? Cars for Anu; bangles, pavadai for Kuki?”

Mom: “Ma, don’t send things through other people. It’s annoying! Just bring it when you come here.”

Grandma: “What do you mean? Every time we travel, that aunty from A block sends so much stuff for her children there.”

Mom: “Exactly, and who has to mail all that junk? Ma…, Kuki’s starting to whine.”

Grandma: “Did you finally find your mangalsutra or not?”

Mom: “Ma, believe me, as soon as I find it, you’ll be the first person to know.”

Grandma: “I still can’t believe you lost it. How can you be so careless? What will your in-laws think? And you had to announce to the whole world that you lost it. What if Mysore mami hears about it? What will she think?”

Mom: “Ma, I haven’t seen that mami in 10 years. How does it matter? Anyway, now she’ll think I’m so careless, she might not send any packages through me to the U.S.”

Grandma: “Don’t laugh! You should be ashamed of yourself. You think this is all a big joke? Do you have any idea what the price of gold is, these days?”

Mom: “Ma, Kuki’s crying. Really, I have to go.”

Grandma: “Fine, fine. At least say Hanuman Chalisa once a day. Only god can take care of you. Look after your health. Take care of the kids. Call Coimbatore chithi who’s visiting her sister’s husband’s twice-removed cousin in Chicago. Next-door neighbor aunty will be in San Francisco next month. She said she’ll call you. You should see her granddaughter … only 3 years old, and she can already recite Vishnu Sahasranamam from beginning to end. Her mother talks to her only in Tamil even though she’s born and brought up in the U.S. I keep telling you to talk to the kids in Tamil. You should never give up your culture. If both of you don’t talk to each other in your mother tongue, how do you expect the children to learn? But, where will you listen? ...”

As I mentioned, mom’s sullen and a little irritable at the end. But she wouldn’t trade this for all the chocolate fudge walnut brownies in the world.

Not even if they were served à la mode.