They say dogs make wonderful teachers.
Why, as a lad, even actor Akshay Kumar learned a thing or two from his pet dog. In a recent interview in People magazine, he said he first learned about sex from the family dog, “I had a really overactive dog, so I thought I would save my parents the embarrassment of teaching me. I just copied the dog. His name was Thumper.”
Mom frowned in disapproval when she read the statement. She’s of the firm belief that pets need to be sterilized (and Akki perhaps needs to keep his pants zipped up). But she realized, even as she winced, that her own children were being subjected to this candid form of coitus.
“See how those dogs are playing, mom?” her little one points as she spots the colony kuttas exercising their pelvic muscles in the middle of the street. “So cute. Can we pet them?”
The neighborhood canines have taught mom that spring is not the only time of year for creating or birthing babies. Over the last few months, we have spotted furry litters almost every other week, snuggling against each other in vacant plots, open drains and under shady trees.
The little balls of fluff are universally cute, and even though she warns her children not to get attached to strays, mom cannot resist holding a warm puppy close to her heart and whispering sweet nothings in its ear.
“Why can’t we take them home?” her daughter insists.
“Because there are just too many,” sighs mom, bracing herself for the tantrum that invariably follows.
The first batch of puppies brought home from a street corner died before they made it to the animal shelter. The second batch found at a construction site were dropped off at the Blue Cross, but mom discovered the very next day that the puppy population in the neighborhood is almost on par with the human residents.
On any given morning, as they walk to school, mom and the children are subject to humping curs who seem unmindful of blaring horns, roaring motorcycles, the searing sun or an occasional rock hurled at them.
The first time her son spotted an amorous couple at a red light, the mongrels were in the throes of a post-coital embrace.
“Hey, look at those dogs, they’re stuck to each other’s butts,” he cried out.
Mom tried to distract her gaping children by pointing instead to the derelict beggar woman who approached their car and rattled her bowl for coins.
“But how will they walk if they’re attached to each other?” continued her son in alarm, fully expecting his mother to hop out of the car, run across two lanes of traffic and physically pry the lovers apart before they were run over by impatient cars.
Each time the issue comes up, and it crops up with alarming regularity given the sights they're exposed to, mom tries to explain the baby-making business as best as she can to her children.
“No, no, they’re not playing. Soon, that black dog will have puppies. Well, that’s how dogs make babies. Er… right, by standing on top of each other. Yes, I’m pretty sure the black dog’s a female. No, I can’t see from this distance, but the one standing on top of her is a male. How do I know? Look, I just know, OK?”
One day, in response to the “What’s that thing between his legs and why doesn't Terri have one?” question generated by a passing mutt, mom launched into a detailed description of sterilizing dogs and its numerous benefits. The five-year-old seemed to lose interest, but her son stared at her and nodded solemnly. Using me as a role model, mom ended her lecture with, “And that’s why Terri can’t have puppies. Understand?”
In the days that followed, with no other coital questions forthcoming, mom felt rather pleased with herself for the excellent instruction she had dispensed as a parent.
When news traveled from across the continent about a 13-year-old father, mom thought rather smugly that her son, though only 10 years old, is surely smarter. Therefore, she was entirely unprepared for the recent exchange between brother and sister.
“Anu, why can’t we bring that cute puppy on the corner home?”
“Because Amma will get angry.”
“But I want a puppy! I wish Terri could have puppies. Terri, why are you smerilized?”
“Not smerilized, silly. Sterilized.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. Anyway, Terri can’t have puppies because he’s a boy. Only girl dogs can have puppies, not boys!"
Sigh! It’s back to the drawing board for mom as she wonders what part of the sterilization process her son retained, other than how to spell the word and pronounce it.
32 comments:
terri:
'Akki perhaps needs to keep his pants zipped up'
not all the toilet paper in the world will save him then!
-s.b.
The poor little 13 year old, he certainly has become world famous :)
s.b., Akki needs toilet paper to wipe his mind clean. Like most brawny men, his brain is clearly between his legs.
WA, I hope the boy doesn't read this blog. He's far too young.
You did a better job with the kids than my older sister who explained the whole sniffing ritual as their "wedding ceremony" and I bought it. Ya, she was the one with values in my house.
Technically, Anu is right -- Terri would not have custody of any potential puppies. They would stay with the mother, no? I think mom needs to redo the Birds and Bees talk and spend more time on the conception part (and I'd like to be a fly on the wall :-).
I like "smerilized" better! Sterilized sounds so ... antiseptic.
-DS
Guddi, I hope now you know that sniffing is a way of saying hello. Although why dogs don't just smile at each other remains a mystery.
DS, I suppose a dog with its nose cut could be called "smerilized."
Atleast you dont have to do the bees and birds talk i guess :D
Muser, but I do. I want good role models for the children lest they end up like Akki or Alfie.
Well, technically true :) Only girl dogs can have puppies...
Er (forgot to add) and only boy dogs can MAKE puppies. (Just demonstrating the level of MY understanding) :D
Terri,
I thought Akki was on check since his marriage to twinkle, no? is mom privy to some information, i am not?Please tell.
and i think boys are slower in learning abt these aspects than girls is what i was told.
Ps: leo has also 'acted' in another movie called departed.
Ignorance is bliss sometimes. With all the DARE lessons Meg's had at school, it's near frightening listening to her talk about it these days when she comes home!
Sands, I thought DARE was mainly about drugs and violence. They talk about sex too? That should make your job easier then.
Sachita, I'm biased. I don't know Akki personally, but I feel like leaving my chappal mark across his cheek when I come across his photos. I have no idea why I take such a violent dislike to him (apologies to his fans).
Shyam, that's what I was referring to. That boys/men play a small but somewhat crucial role in baby production. Right now, the kids think ommachi fulfils that role.
Well, I think it is a dangerous vicious circle, It is interesting that the brawny ones like AK look up to dogs for learning sexual intercourse, I would have absolutely loved it if he would pee like a dog does. I still don't understand why parents esp in our country find it embarrassing to discuss sexuality with their kids. I can understand the parents feeling uneasy discussing about it, but I think the kids will find it even more difficult to handle those " learning curves " without any guidance.....Srikanth
lol. During my childhood, I used to ask my mom if we could raise dogs too-- and got the response "ongala valathadhu poraadha, naai vera valakkanuma?". :-(
anon, I wish your mother knew that it's far, far easier to raise 10 dogs than it is to raise one kid.
Srikanth, I would think parents in any country find it embarrassing to discuss sexuality with their offspring. It's easier to talk about sex with your own age group.
Come to think of it my parents never did the B&B talk with me. I was a voracious reader and I wonder if they assumed I would figure it out myself. I mostly did, supplemented by sex-ed from a worldly friend who told me that "coupling" was so painful that the woman had to take to bed for a day.
-DS
terri:
"anon, I wish your mother knew that it's far, far easier to raise 10 dogs than it is to raise one kid."
i guess the main issue with raising dogs (1 or 10) is not as acute on cement floors as it could be on floors with carpets (with or without costco tp). i think one lady in california might disagree with you, though.
"Srikanth, I would think parents in any country find it embarrassing to discuss sexuality with their offspring. It's easier to talk about sex with your own age group."
aah, sanity prevails! i know that folks in the usa are somewhat more conservative than folks in europe, but i did not think adult education occurs in-house in most families in the usa either.
ds:
'a worldly friend who told me that "coupling" was so painful that the woman had to take to bed for a day.'
are you saying it is not??? hot dang!!!!!
- s.b.
Reminds me of the time oh so long ago when I saw mating cows. I was so alarmed and thought that one was trying to kill the other..my mom quite didnt know how to explain it to me either..I must have been 5 then!
Terri: Of course, mom knew that, but she had no choice but to raise us.. not so with the dog(s). Still, we managed to pet stray dogs, cats, birds, monkeys etc and feed them secretively. We later found out mom had being doing the same thing too.
anon, now that you've flown the coop, I hope you get yourself a real pet.
gds, mating cows by the roadside would be hard to ignore. Luckily, we don't see that here. Only herds of females and calves pass by. The males are trucked to leather manufacturers, I believe.
s.b., carpets or concrete floors, it's still easier to potty train dogs (at least I think so, because Terri came toilet-trained). We're still struggling to train the five-year-old human in the house.
DS, B&B talk by parents?!! I'm grateful I at least got the low-down on menstruation from mom. Regarding coupling, I'm glad you didn't let her experience sour you.
B&B talk & parents:- how do you react when your 12 year old comes home tells you, that a friend of his had confided in him that she is a lesbian
Terr: Thanks. Unfortunately, my husband isn't letting me buy one now. His reasoning.. he had a dog during childhood and felt a lot of pain when it died. Doesn't want us to go through that suffering again. (*throwing up hands* I have officially given up now. Sniff, sniff).
Regarding sex education.. not sure when it should be given, but I feel teenage would be a good start. I wasn't enlightened about periods or anything by my mother. The first time I got it, I thought I had some type of cancer and freaked out.
Was equally horrified when I found out ummachi doesn't give babies. (this one in 11th standard).
DS, 11th standard? so, you did not get to watch any of the indian films with first night scenes then.
though my reaction was same as yours to other one, i def, thought i was going to die(thought of death as a casual affair then).
Terri, I read that several teenage kids in India do it all the way without realizing that was it. With all the hoopla and hungama surrounding it, they think it is something really huge and what they do is just playing around it. (in india today i think)
-Sachita
Sachita, I'm sure that 13-year-old father thought the same thing when he did it.
anon, husband has a fine excuse, but that's just what it is - an excuse. Sometimes, pets just show up at your doorstep; they have a way of finding you.
WA, at 12 this girl has figured out her life? I could barely braid my own hair at that age.
Share your violent dislike of Akki. It must be his face.
No getting away from the birds and the bees talk, mom. Any ideas? Please share.
Muser, it's clearly the smirk on his face that one wants to slap off. Is Raina also showing signs of precocity by talking about things inappropriate for her age? It must be a girl thing then. Whew! I was wondering where I'm going wrong with raising a daughter who seems curious about adult stuff.
Sachita: I think you meant the other Anonymous. By 11th standard, I was in the know. But not because of "first night" movie scenes. The symbolism therein did nothing for me. Glass of milk? I hate milk. Bee buzzing and flowers blooming? What the ..?! I've always been a believer in clear and crisp communication.
In my case, the credit goes to wordly 12 year friend(s), Mills & Boons, and Mr. D our wonderful biology teacher who taught a class of giggling and wise-cracking 13 year olds (boys & girls) the wonders of the human plumbing/reproductive systems with nary a blush. We put it together and our conclusions were along the lines of the blind men and the elephant.
-DS
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009/feb/26/toilet-roll-america
wa:
the same article appeared in our local newspaper too, but i was unable to locate it on its website using the keywords. looks like both of us thought of terri upon reading the piece :-).
- s.b.
Hmm, shit reminds you of me?
So Akshay Kumar gave an interview to a national magazine about his proud status as a one minute man? Poor Twinkle. No wonder she's so well dressed - I'd go in for a spot of retail therapy too if I were her.
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