Maid-to-order

The best part about living in a housing community, mom was told, was that there would be no dearth of household help. “If one maid leaves, another one will take her place,” friends and relatives told her.

Thus reassured, mom moved into her new house under the impression that the line of women queuing up outside our door would be as long as the one outside a local ration shop.

We soon found out that what these well-meaning people omitted to mention was the quality of people knocking on our door offering their services.

“You want me to work for how much?” some of the domestics exclaimed in disbelief. “The people in that house pay Rs. 3,000. That’s the going rate here, goththa?” they informed, highly offended.

“See what I said about the cost of living in Bangalore?” muttered grandma, deftly dispatching women who arrived with such tall claims.

“Mein kaam karoongi, didi,” one applicant informed mom. “Pay me whatever you like. I never overcharge my fellow north Indians.” Upon learning that mom hailed from the south of the Vindhyas, the woman diplomatically replied, “So what? We’re all Indians, aren't we? Ham sab ek hain.”

The next morning she sent a friend in her place. “Treat me like your mother, beta,” the elderly woman said, huffing and puffing as she climbed the stairs to the bedrooms. “So many stairs in your house, baba! I can only do light housework as this is my first job.”

Another servant maid brought her eighth-grader along and set her to work downstairs while she cleaned upstairs. Mother-daughter duo cleaned four bathrooms, swept, swabbed and washed dishes in 10 minutes, setting a world record in Domestic Olympics. They also left a few faucets open and a trail of body odor in their wake.

The duo's replacement fared no better.

“Do you speak Tamil?” asked mom.

The woman nodded and replied in Kannada.

"Did you sweep the porch today?"

The woman nodded even though she had forgotten to.

“Did you take out the trash?”

Of course she hadn't, but she nodded.

"Wait a minute, did you just clean the bathroom with the kitchen sponge?"

Mom was graced with another nod as the woman returned the dirty sponge to the kitchen.

"Here's your money for the last 10 days and a little bit extra. Please don't come back, OK?"

The maid nodded happily. "See you tomorrow," she said on the way out.

"You just need to find the right match," neighbors cluck in sympathy.

Such a person does exist, two of them in fact, who left our house sparkling and smelling of citrus rather than body odor.

Unfortunately, they don't live in this country.