Time out

You wouldn't believe what happened today. I just hope you're not eating something as you read this.

Mom's not a morning person on the best of days. Today was no exception.

As she rubbed her crusty eyes and walked down the corridor, she tripped on a Lego block on the floor and almost fell nose-first on a trail of dried poop on the WALL!

That's right! As if it weren't bad enough to defecate on the carpet in the middle of the night, Orbit had used the wall as toilet paper and merrily wiped her a*** (pardon my French) on it. The trail continued down the corridor and ended on the master bathroom floor.

Luckily for me, Orbit's tush was also caked with turd, so there was no question who the nocturnal Picasso was.

She was swiftly whisked to the groomer down the street, where she stayed all morning, and came back stark naked!

Now, if you're not a dog, you have no idea how traumatizing a trip to the groomer's can be. While some of you might actually enjoy having a strange woman rub her frothy hands all over your body, I find the experience about as pleasant as a prostate exam or a dental visit.

Poor Orbit is now half her size and looks nothing like her old self. And she has a citrusy fragrance about her that's making me sneeze. But it shouldn't last too long. Come dinner time, she'll smell of pungent garam masala or sambar podi again, like we all do - depending on tonight's menu.