Surely, there must be a trick to staying awake at rambling, run-on meetings and conferences that you've perfected?
I'm referring to the kind of presentations where the moderator is as enthralling as Ben Stein in the Clear Eyes commercial. And the topics covered are as significant as the socio-economic status of the Sahariya tribe in Madhya Pradesh.
Here are some tried and true distraction techniques you could implement at your next laptop-free gathering to stay awake. Unfortunately, none of them work:
1. Pick imaginary lint off your clothes, unless you have a pet that sheds. The lint, in that case, would be real and uncontrollable.
2. Pick your teeth with your tongue to ensure broccoli bits from breakfast quiche are not embedded in your upper incisor.
3. Perfect Kegel exercises and silently vow never to consume rajma masala or other gas-inducing beans just before meeting.
4. Discreetly scratch body parts, preferably your own, under the table.
5. Redirect successive yawns through nostrils until your ears pop.
6. Slowly tickle the nape of your neck with your hair and feel your pheromones releasing.
7. Look down your blouse.
8. Look down the blouses of women sitting next to you and across from you.
9. Unbutton your pants to allow for breathing room, but don't stand up in a hurry.
10. Count the lines on your palms and worry whether you’re a worry wart.
11. Count the furrows on senior executive’s forehead and wonder if anybody has ever seen him smile in the last 30 years.
12. Pick on a pimple that appeared after a late night potato chip-binge.
13. Surreptitiously check BlackBerry for messages from friends.
14. Compile grocery list and chart menu for an upcoming party. Idly wonder why X accepted the invitation knowing fully well her sworn enemy, Y, would also be there. Mentally dismiss X and Y and hope Z's husband will definitely be attending.
15. Study the perfectly polished nails of other women in the room and wonder if they ever deign to cook. Discreetly sniff the smell of garlic lingering from last night's dinner on your own hands.
16. Drop your pen at least a dozen times so you can rest your head on your knees for a micro-second.
17. Wonder what the marital status of the lone, attractive male in the room is, and check for a tan line on his naked ring finger.
18. Pray for an emergency fire drill.
19. Envy Joe-the-mailroom-boy who never has to sit through long-winded meetings on projected fourth quarter earnings.
20. Pull out a gun and shoot yourself in the head.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Holler if you can Help
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34 comments:
Pick imaginary lint off your clothes, unless you have a pet that sheds. The lint, in that case, would be real and uncontrollable.
Only a person with a pet can appreciate this. :D And another reason why one should have a pet.
I have it to sit thru it today with projection meetings. Last time I was sleeping. But I think I will do some these stuff.
Good list, some are quite new to me so shall utilize them. But what caught my attention was this
16. Drop your pen at least a dozen times so you can rest your head on your knees for a micro-second.
You can do that??! Bend and rest your head on your knees? I thought we lose that kinda talent after a baby or two or three. :|
21. come up with such lists for your blog.
Hilarious!
19. no envy, think pay.
rads - Yoga!
4. Discreetly scratch body parts, preferably your own, under the table.
Hee hee... that cracked me up! And seriously, did even No 20 not work??? *shock* :D
Have hubby call with imaginary emergency. Reserve only for the boring-est of meetings.
God I went through one of those meetings today. I wish dogs were allowed at them. At least for under the table scratching of bellies with human feet.
Heheheehe "At least you're getting paid" quote, unquote. I have a no. 21: Imagine stripteasing reallllly slowly and the expression on everyone's face when you do...
Visitor, imagine if they allowed pets at meetings? The humans would die with envy on seeing the animals stretched out on the carpet fast asleep.
Pilgrim, do you sleep with your eyes wide open at meetings? Show me how to do that.
Rads, I meant bending down while sitting.
Munimma, Joe probably envies people who get paid to sit on their butts all day.
Shyam, with my luck even #20 wouldn’t work like it should.
Sujatha, it sounds like you’ve played that card before :)
Mg, scratching of belly is possible if one were allowed to work from home. Another excellent benefit of telecommuting, wouldn’t you say?
Muser, I have often imagined the audience in their underwear, but at certain meetings, even that doesn’t help.
LOL. Good list.
"Look down the blouses of women sitting next to you and across from you."
Ahem. Here is an addendum from an experienced guy. Location, location, location. Choose your spot at the table carefully.
Oh, here is my favorite pass time. Try to tie your shoe lace with your foot
By the way, I disagreed with you on Broom's blog. Letting you know in case you want to do a rebuttal.
tdna, I guess if you're the first person in the room you have to fall back on the shoe lace time pass instead of location.
And it almost sounds like you want me to argue with you about broom ;)
terri/tdna:
i picked up the gauntlet, picked up a cudgel, held the latter with the former, and hopped on broom's banned wagon! ;-)
- s.b.
terri:
forgot to add, if you have an axe to grind, follow me!
- s.b.
s.b., a.k.a. Narada muni, no axes to grind on my part. I'm sure broom already wants to show me the finger for unsolicited advice.
Ha! That's definitely something I do NOT miss about work :-)
Although I was pretty good at sleeping sitting up. A trick learnt at Sunday Mass. Could even sleep when kneeling! But it only works in a darkened room when a presentation is being made....
#3 - kegel exercises - best thing to do when you are bored. makes you concentrate on something. :-)).
-Shree
moppet's mom, teach me, teach me!
shree, if only they had Kegel exercises for the upper half of the body also.
All of the above resonated :))
terri:
waaa!!! she stuck a tongue out at me - been ages since someone did that to me!
actually, reminds me of a true story - i got cut off by a lady (not) driver on my commute. the look on her face when i managed to catch up with her and stuck my tongue out at her? priceless!
- s.b.
Squiggle's mom, thanks. Glad to be of help.
s.b., is your tongue the only thing you stuck out at her? I hope your kids weren't in the car with you.
Besides doodling, what time would be more appropriate than this to let your mind wander off to past boyfriends err boyfriend. :-)
Terriiiii !!!!!!!! - you cant say such things to my guru! Even if he qualifies for the title - Narad muni.
terri:
i kept all other body parts firmly in check, thank you very much :-). the episode belongs to the pre-kids era.
the visitor:
terri treats each comment on its merit, like he very well should - just like kumble is playing each ball.
imagine - his is the only century from india (with tendulkar, ganguly, dravid and laxman in the team) in this three-test series! sort of stuff he would want to tell his grandkids.
- s.b.
I am back from the meeting which was as boring as I expected. But I took my laptop to the meeting with this blog open so that I can do stuff as recommended by Terri.
Here is what happened:
1. Picking lint was much boring than the meeting itself. So decided to stop doing that and be part of the meeting.
2. Tried to do that, and as it was a lunch meeting, I did have an excuse to it. Except for a change the lunch was so bad, that couldn't eat anything. Infact, our manager decided to shun the caterer.
3. I was so hungry that I was dreaming about rajma and chole (even if normally dont like it.) No gas inducing stuff, infact nothing was in the stomach all morning.
4. There was no table. We are asked to sit clear of the table as the guys did something to the video conferencing connections, that the slightest touch disconnected a zillion things.
5. Yawns come when you are sleepy. When you are famished you are just thinking of food and when do we get out from here. So the meeting time looks longer than it is.
6. I have short hair. This will not work too.
7. Again not possible, do not wear blouse.
8. Again not possible, no females in the group. (Need to talk to HR about that)
9. Not possible. Refer to 4 as to why?
10. Lights dim to see properly.
11. Not possible. Never seen him worried. Again let me rephrase it, Never seen him. Until today.
12. No pimples. Only late night liquor binges and eyes are red for that.
13. No one emails me anyways. Its a waste of money!
14. Haven't thrown a party in a while. Mostly gone to and who cares who's in the party as long as there is liquor.
15. Refer 8 for first part. And no smell of anything. Havent cooked for a month now.
16. Forgot to take the pen, Took the laptop instead. Cant drop that.
17. Who cares!
18. I am not sure if my building has one.
Frustratingly, close the laptop, look ahead towards the screen and sleep with eyes open. The secret, when you want to sleep, sit as close to the screen and wear a pair of glasses so that light reflects and no one sees whats up with you.
Long Comment! This was written in the meeting.!
lol@" The secret, when you want to sleep, sit as close to the screen and wear a pair of glasses so that light reflects and no one sees whats up with you."
:))
pilgrim:
ha ha! btw, you missed a trick (gamble?) on #17. this is like a chess end game puzzle - don't make me give it away!
- s.b.
Am about to roll on the floor laughing! :D I try and make up rude limericks, preferably about co-wokers, in my head during such meetings - ever tried that?
jay, you never know. Maybe married people think of the one that got away ALL THE TIME instead of only at meetings.
visitor, what to do? He asked for it.
s.b., we hope you've matured a lot more post-kids.
pilgrim, that was hilarious! I hope you get to take your laptop to more meetings, but don't blame me if you get fired.
rads, we need a strategy for people who don't wear glasses, don't you think?
mystic, alas, we're not that talented. We can't even doodle for the most part.
s.b,
Would you give away the secret. Btw, #17 is not for me! "Samajdar ko ishara hi kaafi hota hai"
Rads, Terri,
Forgot to tell you, I have an emergency zero powered glasses in my desk always for these meetings :D
pilgrim:
to recap, here is #17: "17. Wonder what the marital status of the lone, attractive male in the room is, and check for a tan line on his naked ring finger."
instead of "17. Who cares!", you should have responded with "i know it already - i am married/unmarried" (as the case might be) ;-) [though to be perfectly logical, this would not be a strictly correct response, because - as you pointed out - you were all males]
anyway ...
- s.b.
Terri,
I did update my blog with the comment I put up on yours.
i love that this blog is so so much fun!
and i am chortling away halfway into the night...
will do the dishes tomorrow,
today is with terri
pity that you arent blogging now when i am around/and i am tambram. heh heh that caught you right!
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